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“There was a supreme lack of identity that I had to rebuild in the aftermath of leaving the church.” Melissa Hannan, an associate therapist at Trust Your Inner Compass, told us about her experience of leaving the Church of the Latter-day Saints, “Overall, life for me has been much better outside the church. I was able to empower myself by getting an education and now I have an amazing, fulfilling career. I am so grateful I left.”
For many of us, our religion is a key part of our lives, both in a practical and emotional sense. The communities that we become part of because of our membership in a religion often mean that our religion strongly determines who we spend most of our time with, what kind of people become part of our circle, and what values use as a guide for navigating the world.
But what if you come to realize that the religion you’ve always been part of is no longer in alignment with your personal values? Enter religious deconstruction, an approach to disentangling yourself from your current religion to give you space to figure out what you really feel and think about your faith.
What Is Religious Deconstruction?
Religious deconstruction, sometimes called ‘faith deconstruction’, is the process of dismantling your religious experiences and beliefs to identify why you no longer feel connected with the views and practices of your current religion. For many people who go through the process of religious deconstruction, it happens because they realize that their religion’s values no longer align with their values.
For Rev. Karen Cleveland, a Centers for Spiritual Living minister, that realization came early in life.
“As a child, I really had no reason to believe or not believe what I was being taught. It never occurred to me to even think about it, or to think there might be a different way.” Rev. Cleveland shared with us, “Even when I heard my sister and her friend talking about how hard it is to get into heaven and I thought it was strange that someone like my grandmother wouldn’t be able to go to heaven because of such strict rules.”
At its early stages, religious deconstruction can feel like being stuck between fear and grief. Fear that you’re losing the one thing you’ve believed so far should be constant in your life and grief at the loss or potential of loss. There’s also a lot of guilt around deconstruction — often, questioning a religion you’re part of can bring up feelings of unworthiness, as if there is something inherently wrong with a person. One source we’ve spoken to for this piece was not able to continue sharing their thoughts because the topic brought back too many unpleasant memories.
After the fear, grief, and guilt comes the realization of what leaving the religion means. A friend of mine, who we spoke to about her experiences of leaving a cult, later mentioned that part of why she found it hard to leave was because she would lose her friends and members of her family. Today, she’s still Christian but her views have changed drastically from the stricter principles of her old religion.
“Sometimes the Christian will deconstruct all the way into atheism. Some remain there, but others experience a reconstruction. But the type of faith they end up embracing almost never resembles the Christianity they formerly knew.” Alisa Childers shared with Focus on the Family.
What Makes People Want to Deconstruct Their Religious Beliefs?
One of the most common reasons for people to deconstruct their religious beliefs is a change in perspective. While these can be purely based on a difference in values, many people leave their religion when they find that the religion’s teachings negative affects them on a personal level.
Dennis Schleicher, a former Protestant, left his church to join the Church of the Latter-day Saints.
“I had been taught that being gay was wrong, and I was deeply ashamed of my sexuality. As a result, I became increasingly isolated from my peers and felt utterly alone. One day I cried in the bathroom at my high school after being the victim of a ruthless hate crime for being gay.” He told us, “It wasn’t until much later, when I was in my 40s, that I was able to start rebuilding my faith. One day while speaking with a friend about how Jesus supposedly hated me for being who I am, they quickly stopped me and told me that Jesus did love me despite my sexuality.”
Schleicher’s friend turned out to be a member of the Church of the Latter-day Saints and, despite what he says were his misgivings about the church’s views on queer people, he found himself accepted into the church, allowing him to finally find peace.
Some members of a religion may not leave right away and instead try to dig into the finer points of their faith to understand exactly why they disagree with the teachings they are being taught in church and whether these teachings they disagree with are even right in the first place by the rules of their own religion.
Hannah Brents, a Boston-based trauma therapist, says she dug into Biblical text more to find the truth about the teachings she disagreed with, “Long story short, I was so angry with the teachings I grew up with that I got a bachelors in Biblical Text… my deconstruction of faith began when I learned that Moses didn’t actually write the first 5 books of the Bible.”
Is It Wrong to Deconstruct Your Religious Beliefs?
The short answer is no. There is a lot of pressure for people to stay in religions that no longer align with their values and life journey that can be hard to curb especially if you’ve been taught your entire life that questioning, doubting, and leaving your religion is wrong. But religious trauma, a type of trauma that comes with religious experiences that make you feel degraded and subject you to psychological or even physical abuse, is real and is a valid reason to deconstruct your religious beliefs.
Religious deconstruction is a personal journey and one that should be only yours to make a final decision on. As with many of the religious leaders and mental health professionals we’ve spoken to, you may even find that religious deconstruction is the only way to faith reconstruction.
Rediscovering Faith After Losing Your Religion
Rev. Karen Cleveland rediscovered her faith years after she first began questioning her religion. According to her, she only thought of church was a means of connecting with people when she was younger and that it was only later in life that she realized she could have a deep-seated conviction in a belief system.
“I participated in high school church activities just because I liked the people but I didn’t have any particular relationship with God, Jesus or our beliefs.” She shared with us, “When I became a mother I started looking for a community again, so I went to the Catholic and Christian churches to check them out.”
Rev. Cleveland still found that she wasn’t 100% on board with the churches she was attending but still felt the need to go due to her brother introducing her to the idea of churches that didn’t necessarily think of Jesus Christ as god, but rather as a good spiritual teacher only.
“I started reading books and eventually I started looking around for a church like his. I walked into Center for Spiritual Living Seattle and knew I was home: I felt completely aligned with what they were saying and teaching.” She said, “I started taking more and more classes until finally enrolling in Seminary and becoming a Centers for Spiritual Living Minister.”
Dennis Schleicher, who found a new home in the Church of the Latter-day Saints, became, as he puts it, one of the church’s “most sought of speakers”.
“My experience has taught me that it is possible to find God regardless of your sexuality or gender identity – something made even more evident by the incredible amount of support I have received from not only church members but people all over the world since the beginning of this journey.” Schleicher says.
After leaving the Church of Christ, therapist Hannah Brents now helps people navigate their religious deconstruction and cope with toxic religious experiences.
As for Melissa Hannan, who left the Church of the Latter-day Saints, she says navigating relationships with family members who are still part of the church is an ongoing task. However, she seems to think the religious deconstruction journey was worth it.
“I love that in my work as a therapist I get to witness others discover their authentic selves and create the life that they truly want.” Hannan tells us.
