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At this point, you’ve probably heard of Ancient Aliens and the word “conspiracy” alone is enough to get the X-Files theme playing in your head. Well, it’s either that or you take conspiracy theories seriously. Whichever it is, you’re already aware that most people don’t react well to being told the earth is flat and that the moon landings were faked.
The skepticism around conspiracy theories mostly boils down to how ridiculous they sound. While there’s nothing wrong with a healthy dose of skepticism, so many conspiracy theories hinge on premises that are so wildly wrong, you’ll wonder whether their believers even have a grade school education. But then again, a true conspiracy theorist would say that I only think that because I’m drinking the Kool-Aid.
If you’re up for a good chuckle and you’re curious what the loonies are believing in these days, stick around because these conspiracy theories are pretty wild.
The Classic Conspiracy That Claims the Earth Is Flat
Since we’re talking about conspiracy theories, we may as well start with the most well-known one: the flat Earth conspiracy.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’re already familiar with the basic concept of this conspiracy. People who believe in this think that the Earth is flat. Simple enough, right? But like Christians, the Flat Earthers aren’t a monolith.
There are actually several splinter groups within what we generally label as the Flat Earth Society. Some of them believe that the reason we see a spherical Earth from space is because of an optical illusion/reality bend while others think the lizard people fund the media and schools to teach people about a spherical earth.
Even the nature of what’s at the edges of the world differs from Flat Earther to Flat Earther. Though a few still hold on to the belief that they’ll fall off the earth if they venture too far, others think the arctics are a wall of ice that keeps us from going over the edge.
Kind of like the Wall in Game of Thrones, except instead of keeping White Walkers out, it’s keeping us in. But then again, should we be surprised if there’s a Flat Earther who thinks there are White Walkers beyond the edge of the Earth?
That said, have you ever wondered what it would mean for us if the Earth was actually flat? As ridiculous as this sounds, there might be a good reason the Flat Earthers think gravity is an illusion and that reason is this: a flat Earth wouldn’t even have gravity because it wouldn’t have enough mass to keep us all from floating into space.
Now that it’s been mentioned, it’s also possible that a low gravity earth would have an effect on the planet’s flora and fauna. But I’ll leave that one to the speculative science fiction writers.
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But Apparently, the Earth Is Hollow Too?
I can’t exactly blame the folks who believe in this one. After all, believing in a flat Earth must be boring. The Earth is a flat disc and then what? Nothing? No surprises? At least with the Hollow Earth conspiracy theory, there’s the added thrill of discovering what’s inside the Earth. Is our planet nothing more than God’s/god’s/gods’ kinder egg? Who knows! Here are some of the ideas the Hollow Earthers have come up with, though.
Theory A: The sun and other planets of the solar system are inside the Earth. That’s why it’s hollow. We’re actually living on the inner shell of the world and at its center is our sun, warming us up from the inside.
The Earth is divided into day and night sides. I’m not sure how they explain the day and night cycle, but it wouldn’t be too far a stretch to just say it’s likely rationalized by claiming that the Hollow Earth rotates on its axis to “spin” around its interior sun.
Theory B: Hitler and his Nazi supporters are alive and they’re currently living in the hollow interior of the Earth. Look, I know a lot of people want to see Hitler rot in hell and that we tend to imagine hell as this bleak underground inferno. But isn’t this taking artistic license a little too far? Hitler’s advisors might not agree since a few of them believed in Hollow Earth themselves.
Theory C: There is a mystical and advanced civilization inside Hollow Earth that’s called Agartha. Supposedly, the King of the World (yes, the entire world) lives in Agartha. Other than that, there’s not a lot of information about what Agartha is, what its culture is like, or how the Agarthan government is organized.
If you ask me, that’s pretty bad worldbuilding. The folks over at r/worldbuilding could probably come up with a better Agartha complete with plausible theories about its geography.
If there is one thing that the Hollow Earthers are right about, it’s that there’s life beneath the Earth’s surface. Our planet holds millions of years’ worth of fossils, millennia of archaeological records, and strange life forms capable of surviving in the crushing pressures and darkness of the deep sea.
While I was combing the internet for info about the Hollow Earth conspiracy, I stumbled into this Seattle-based radio station called Hollow Earth Radio. It doesn’t appear to be run by Hollow Earthers, but they do have great taste in music so let’s hope the Agarthans can listen along with us.
And the World Is Being Run by Lizard People
I’m doing my best to keep the mood light here, but there are situations when joking around is, at the absolute minimum, in poor taste. One of those is when a father actually murders his own children because he believed his wife passed “serpent DNA” to their children.
Matthew Coleman brought his two children south of Rosarito, Mexico, and stabbed them to death with a spearfishing gun because he believed that the two children possessed serpent DNA. Coleman believes in a variant of the lizard people conspiracy theory that claims the reptilians are killing humans and assuming their identities.
Coleman’s daughter was only 10 months old. His son was two years old. Regarding his motive for murdering his own children, he told the judge of the Los Angeles federal court that he was “enlightened by QAnon and Illuminati conspiracy theories.”
Other variants of the lizard people conspiracy theory are just as deadly. Think about it for a second. It’s a hyper-paranoid belief that actively encourages people to be suspicious of others around them. From there, fear bridges the gap between paranoia and murder.
Like Coleman, Anthony Quinn Warner was also trying to purge the world of lizard people when he orchestrated a bombing that killed three people.
So, what exactly do the lizard people conspiracists believe in aside from the obvious “lizards are taking over the earth” part? Michael Barkun proposes that the conspiracy started with Robert E. Howard’s story, “The Shadow Kingdom.”
In it, Howard talks about lost civilizations, one of which is Lemuria. Lemuria was supposedly a civilization ruled by “dragon men” that could shapeshift into humans. It looks like the idea snowballed from there until it became what it is today.
Modern iterations of this conspiracy theory typically claim that the lizard people are either from a fallen civilization or aliens from outer space. Sometimes they’re invaders who are relatively new to Earth, other times they’re depicted as Illuminati-style schemers who secretly already control the world. In the off chance that the lizard people actually are aliens, though, I think I know where they’re landing their spaceships.
Personally, I Think We Should Focus On the Fact That This Is A Distraction Tactic to Hide the Concentration Camp Under Denver Airport
There are so many conspiracy theories about Denver Airport that its management has basically thrown up their hands and started to roll with it. They’re now keeping a list of Denver Airport conspiracy theories.
Unfortunately, the list doesn’t mention the conspiracy theory that there’s a concentration camp under the Denver Airport that’s waiting for the day the one-world government takes over the world and forces all U.S. citizens into it. Let’s hope the politicians will be there, too.
But back to the Denver Airport conspiracy list. There are six of them and one is still related to the New World Order. In that version of the narrative, the New World Order’s big bosses are using the area beneath the airport as a base of operations. Hopefully, their budget lets them buy something more health-friendly than McDonald’s for their meetings.
The second theory is that Mustang, the massive blue horse statue outside the Denver Airport is cursed because it fell on its creator, Luis Jimenez, and killed him. The freak accident has earned the poor horse the nickname “Blucifer,” but the folks at the airport seem to have forgiven Mustang because they’re certain he didn’t mean to do it.
The third Denver Airport conspiracy theory claims that the airport has extraterrestrial map coordinates because of the movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind where the aliens give the humans the following coordinates: W104′ 44′ 30′ N40′ 36′ 10′. Believers think the coordinates point to Denver Airport even though a quick Google Maps search would show them that’s actually 51 miles northwest of the airport.
The fourth conspiracy theory points fingers at Denver Airport’s gargoyles, claiming that the statues were planted there by the New World Order. Denver Airport has stated that the gargoyles “love our passengers!” which does have historical precedent as gargoyles were originally carved into buildings to ward off evil.
The fifth one isn’t as amusing. It claims that the “Au Ag” inscription on the floor of the airport’s Great Hall means “Australia Antigen,” a bioweapon that believers insist will be used by the Illuminati to wipe out humanity. You might also recall “Au” and “Ag” from a high school chemistry class as the atomic symbols for gold (aurum) and silver (argentum).
The sixth and last theory is that the Denver Airport’s tunnels are connected to a tunnel network that will serve as humanity’s escape route to the survival bunkers in Cheyenne Mountain. For this one, the airport folks can only say: “We wish!”
Or the Fact That Belgium Doesn’t Exist
I’ve recently been enlightened by Marinel Mamac, a fellow A Little Bit Human writer, that French fries are not French. They’re actually Belgian. But how is that possible when Belgium doesn’t exist?
Unbeknownst to everyone who’s been writing about French fries being Belgian, the country they’re pointing to as the origin of French fries is a “leftist ruse” perpetuated by the “Elite Left” to “propagate the Liberal agenda throughout the world.” Okay, I kid. That website is clearly satire (or at least, I hope it is).
But it’s not exactly false. In a way, Belgium doesn’t exist and the first people who’ll jump at the chance to tell you that are likely going to be Belgians themselves.
Willy, a florist living just outside of Brussels, has this to say on the matter: “Belgium? That’s something that doesn’t exist. The national anthem? Nobody knows it. Nobody can sing it. The king? A parvenu. A dysfunctional family. We’re not going to take it anymore.”
It’s not that the Belgium-doesn’t-exist-ers are saying the physical location of Belgium doesn’t exist, but rather, they’re pointing to the fact that Belgium is a culturally and politically divided country whose people don’t think of themselves as citizens united under one nation. Well, not all of them. Just enough for a poll to show that 40% of “Belgians” want to see Flanders separate from Belgium.
But You Know What Would Be Even Funnier?
Before you close this tab, here’s one last conspiracy theory for you: What if I work for the New World Order and I’m actually a lizard person tasked with discrediting the, ahem, “enlightened” so the rest of you laugh at them and continue living your non-questioning lives while my alien superiors plot to destroy humanity?
Now that would be funny.
