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In this article:
- You might have heard the word “gaslighting” get thrown around online but it’s often used too broadly to refer to any kind of lying.
- In reality, gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that makes you question reality and your own sanity.
- It can be subtle and difficult to spot, especially if you’re in its grips.
- It can also happen in any kind of relationship, not just romantic ones.
- But if you watch out for these gaslighting red flags, you can better recognize when someone is trying to chip away at your confidence and distort your perception of reality.
One of the most subtle and brutal forms of psychological manipulation, gaslighting is when an abuser distorts the truth and makes you question your sanity.
It takes its name after the 1938 play Gas Light and its film adaptations, which told the story of a husband convincing his wife that she is insane when she hears footsteps in a supposedly empty attic, when she sees the lights flicker at home, and when things seem to appear and disappear.
In truth, however, it was all him trying to distract her from his own criminal activities.
The Cruelty of Gaslighting
As a form of emotional abuse and psychological aggression, which affects some 43 million women and 38 million men in America, gaslighting can be just as — or even worse than — physical abuse.
That’s because the wounds tend to be invisible, and gaslighting specifically confuses victims about why they feel bad.
Victims of gaslighting often feel confused and second-guess themselves, making it difficult to make what would normally be simple decisions. They also tend to become withdrawn, unsociable, and hopeless, constantly apologizing to their abuser and even defending them to others.
The end effect, according to Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence’s Dr. Robin Stern, is that the victim becomes totally dependent on their abuser.
This kind of gradual brainwashing makes gaslighting particularly tricky to recognize, and many victims are not aware that it’s already happening to them. That’s because part of gaslighting is training you to never question your abuser — the whole point is to get victims to not trust their own feelings and experiences, one lie at a time.
While this can happen to anyone — even to the brightest, strongest, and most self-aware of us — it often occurs in intimate relationships as well as social setups with an imbalance of power. These include:
- Child-parent relationships, when parents shame and control children by telling them they’re too sensitive and misremembering events, while also playing victim;
- Medical gaslighting, when medical professionals dismiss or trivialize a health concern;
- Racial gaslighting, an enduring process of white supremacy trying to suppress resistance, like when people call civil rights activists too emotional to try and discredit them;
- Political gaslighting, or when a public figure or political group denies and manipulates information to control the public, like when they try to discredit opponents based on perceived mental instability; and
- Institutional gaslighting, or when companies lie to employees about their rights and frame whistleblowers as incompetent or mentally unstable.
Are You Being Gaslit? Here Are 7 Red Flags That Could Mean You Are
Gaslighting happens over time, and sometimes it can be hard to identify the pattern of abuse. But if you feel that something is not quite right with your relationship, here are some red flags to watch out for.
1. They Deny Things They Said or Did
One of the hallmarks of gaslighting is making you question your own memory and experiences, so a gaslighter would often deny things they said or did — even if you have proof.
Most people get embarrassed when they get caught in a lie, but not this type of abuser.
They will double down and refuse to own up to their words or actions in an effort to distort your perception of reality and replace it with a version they created. Gaslighters also often tell their victims that their memory is faulty.
2. They Tell You You’re Overreacting
Sometimes, instead of denying things they said or did to hurt you, like criticizing your work or appearance harshly, gaslighters will look to minimize its significance and their role in hurting you.
By telling you you’re overreacting, calling you too sensitive, or asking why you can’t take a joke, they’re trying to make you accept their behavior as normal. This way, they can continue hurting you.
Crying and feeling upset about something that hurt you is okay, but gaslighters will be dismissive of your feelings, convincing you that you’re being hysterical and that the reaction is unwarranted.
In turn, you might feel pressured to let similar things go, so as not to come off as overreacting or overly sensitive in the future.
3. They Tell You You’re Crazy
A step up from the previous two points, a gaslighter will start making you question your sanity and the way you react to things. They might make you feel silly for being upset or hurt over something they did, and imply that you’re crazy for reacting in a perfectly normal way to things they say or do.
In this way, gaslighters begin to make you feel that you are the problem. Communicating how you feel doesn’t make you crazy, no matter what mental health issues you may or may not be facing, but a gaslighter would do their best to make you feel otherwise.
4. They Tell You How You’re Supposed to Feel and What to Do
Once they’ve established that you can’t trust your own thoughts and feelings, gaslighters will begin telling you what you’re supposed to feel and do. For example, when you’re feeling upset, they might tell you that you “should be more grateful that I did this.”
This is particularly insidious in intimate relationships, where an abuser might use phrases like, “If you really loved me, you would…” or “But I thought you loved me unconditionally.”
Though it’s perfectly possible to love someone and think they’ve done something wrong, this type of manipulation is designed to make you excuse their bad behavior and further distort your sense of reality.
5. They Isolate You
Part of what makes gaslighting so overwhelming for many victims is that abusers slowly and systematically isolate their victims. Your boss, for example, might turn your coworkers against you, or a gaslighting parent might compare you incessantly with a sibling they insist is better than you.
In the 1944 film adaptation of Gas Light, Gregory and Paula get married after a whirlwind romance in Italy, and Gregory convinces Paula to move away from friends and the life she’s built to live in London instead.
Gaslighters know that close friends and family might notice something is off, so isolating you makes it easier for them to control the narrative without being challenged.
They might make you feel guilty for spending time with others or accuse your friends and family of lying to you or not having your best interests at heart. They might say things like, “Your friend said she thinks you were overreacting the other day,” or they may even claim that your friends are manipulating you.
By making you doubt your friends and family, they force you to further question your own perception of reality and ultimately, make you see them as the only person you can trust.
They might say things like, “I’m the only one that understands you,” or “No one would ever love you like I do.” Sentences like these are designed to make you feel even more indebted to and dependent on your abuser, slowly eroding your confidence and self-worth.
These also make it even harder to identify the abusive behaviors.
6. You Find Yourself Always Apologizing to and for Them
Because they make you feel like everything, including their own erratic behavior, is your fault and that they’re the only one who truly cares about you, you might find yourself constantly saying sorry to them for everything — just to keep the peace.
Moreover, if any friends or family still try to reach out to you and check in despite your gaslighter’s efforts to isolate you, you will then feel like you have to apologize on their behalf.
You might find yourself making excuses for your abuser’s behavior, especially since they’ve made you feel like you are responsible for it. This, unfortunately, further distances you from friends or family who might be able to help.
7. They Sprinkle in Some Positive Reinforcement to Confuse You
Last but not least, abusers know that they can’t always criticize you and make you feel bad about yourself.
They’ll throw in just enough positivity — a compliment here, a thoughtful act there — to add to your uneasiness over the way you perceive the situation, and to keep you invested. You might tell yourself, “See? They’re not so bad.” But they are.
(A quick aside: Partners in healthy relationships lift each other up. They root for each other and grow together. So if you find yourself trying to justify a relationship by enumerating the few instances your partner has been kind to you, then it’s probably not a healthy relationship — gaslighting or not.)
A gaslighter uses positive reinforcement to keep you off-balance and make you question your reality. Plus, this makes you feel that they are, indeed, the only person who truly loves you.
What to Do From Here
No relationship — whether romantic, familial, or professional — is perfect, and it’s normal to go through some rough patches every now and then. But if the rough patches are turning out to be a pattern of behavior that resembles some or all of the red flags above, then it might be worth taking a step back.
Remember: While people may make mistakes and hurt us sometimes, no one has the right to disrespect and manipulate us.
Here, it’s important to trust your gut, which reflects reliable (if not always accessible) memories. If something feels off in a relationship, or if you start feeling alone and not quite yourself because of a relationship, then do your best to trust that feeling and reach out to a trusted friend.
Your gaslighter might make you feel that your friends hate you, but you’ll find that they would come to your aid and give you an outside perspective if you ask. This can help you further identify any abusive behaviors you might be on the receiving end of.
As for the question of staying in or leaving an intimate relationship marred by gaslighting, Dr. Stephanie Sarkis, an author and a therapist based in Florida, recommends leaving as soon as you can.
She explains that abusive behavior tends to ramp up over time, and the best way to protect yourself and your children (if you have them) is to leave with the help of a loved one or a professional.
Planning this is important, as gaslighters may try to hold on to their power over you through physical violence. Moreover, therapy can help you work through the confusion of your time with a gaslighter, and to undo the damage the experience has done to your self-esteem and self-worth.
In the journey toward healing, remember that it’s important to focus on yourself and your needs, so you might one day learn to trust yourself again. Often, the scars left behind by emotional abuse last long after the abuse is over.
Try to let go of the shame they taught you, and be patient with yourself.
If you or a loved one is in current danger of domestic violence, please seek advice or support from the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 via phone (1-800-799-7233), live chat (thehotline.org) or SMS (texting START to 88788).
You can also contact The Office on Women’s Health or The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
