We independently assess all our recommendations. Purchases through our links may earn us a commission.
Is your love life turning into something of a drag? Have you and your partner lost that spark? Don’t worry too much. Every relationship goes through ups and downs and not every moment is going to be like that first month that you were together.
However, if you want to add some spice back into your love life, it’s always good to try something new and keep it spontaneous. So, if you want to get those fireworks blasting again, here are a couple of ideas for things you can do with your partner other than missionary position.
1. Jelly Pillow
Alright, go down to your local supermarket. Load up your cart with as much Smucker’s Grape Jelly as you possibly can. While your partner is out at work, take the pillow out of their pillowcase and fill that pillowcase with the jelly. That way, when they lay down to go to sleep that night, they’ll get delicious Smucker’s Grape all over their face and all over those nice, clean bedsheets.
If it’s not Smucker’s Grape, don’t even bother. No other kind of jelly will do. And don’t worry about buying too much, that shit doesn’t go bad. Plus, if you get hungry in the middle of the night, your bed will be entirely covered in jelly, the perfect midnight snack.
2. Temporary Tattoos
Go to your nearest party supplies store and get as many temporary tattoos as they’ll sell you. I’m talking about the ones that kids stick on themselves at carnivals and birthday parties. Dinosaurs, butterflies, superheroes, whatever. Cover your partner head to toe in the temporary tattoos and have them do the same to you.
Next, go down to your local punk rock club. Try to blend in. Smoke as many clove cigarettes as is necessary. Call your mom and say, “I’ll do my homework when I’m f***ing dead,” even though you’re 45 years old and you’ve been out of school for decades.
3. Iguanas
Become extremely interested in iguanas. Let it consume your entire personality. Nothing is sexier than listing off facts about iguanas while wearing an iguana t-shirt. Buy an iguana t-shirt for your significant other. If they refuse to wear it, tell them that you’re leaving them and going to live in the jungles of Venezuela.
Male iguanas also like to bob their head back and forth when they’re trying to get frisky, so maybe give that a try. If you need some assistance, turn on “Bob That Head” by Rascal Flatts for inspiration. Just kidding, Rascal Flatts is garbage.
4. Linger Creepily
Instead of the missionary position, try lingering around your house in a creepy or even menacing fashion. Haunch those shoulders. Stand in doorways and poke your head out only enough so that your partner can see the top of your head and your eyes. Stare at them for however long it takes for them to notice.
If you want to kick it up a notch, go out into the front yard and stare at them through the window. When they come out into the front yard and ask you what the hell you’re doing, don’t reply. Just keep lingering and staring.
5. Gregorian Chants
If you really want to spice things up in your relationship, try some Gregorian chants. You know, those extremely dull and melancholy Latin songs that they sing in Roman Catholic mass.
Chant very loudly and keep it as monotone as possible. Nothing says “I love you” like some good ol’ Gregorian chants. You don’t even necessarily need to learn the Latin words; just use them for inspiration and make up your own words.
If you want to go the whole nine yards, get yourself a robe with a hood. Pull that hood over your face. Buy a thurible, one of those metal balls full of incense that priests swing around. Get it nice and smoky inside your house and chant away. Your partner’s heart will swell immediately.
6. Toe Shoes
Steal all of your significant other’s shoes and replace them with toe shoes. By doing this, you’re showing them that you care about their toes and you want each one of their toes to have its own little home. Regular shoes are for lonely people. Toe shoes are for lovers.
You know what comes next. Toe socks. If you don’t get your partner toe socks to go with their toe shoes, you may as well give up on love entirely. You’ll never find love again if you don’t buy those toe socks. You absolutely need to buy those toe socks. Or else the socks won’t fit in the shoes.
7. Cleveland
Plan a romantic trip for you and your significant other to go to Cleveland. Screw Paris. The Amalfi Coast can shove it. Cleveland is the most romantic place on Earth. Even if you’re going to do the missionary position, the missionary position is always better when it’s done in Cleveland. As they say in Italy, “Viva la Cleveland!”
The best time to visit Cleveland with your loved one is towards the end of winter when all the snow is melting and turning into grey slush. If you’re lucky, you might even get some freezing cold rain. After you’ve rekindled your relationship in Cleveland, take a scenic drive through rural Pennsylvania to really turn the romance up a few notches.
8. Mosquitoes
Open up all of the windows and doors to your home to attract as many mosquitoes as possible. When the mosquitoes attack your partner for their delicious blood, you can save them and look superheroic. A regular Prince Charming.
Once the mosquitoes land on your partner’s skin, smack them and yell, “Be gone with yee!” They’ll love that. Everyone wants to feel safe. And there’s no better way to show that you can protect them than by defeating a hungry horde of mosquitoes.
If you open the windows and doors and the mosquitoes just won’t come, try putting up a sign outside that says, “Mosquitoes Welcome Here!” Little known fact: mosquitoes can read. Only English though. Or maybe try covering your partner in some of that sweet Smucker’s Grape Jelly that you have leftover.
9. Limping
If you’re getting bored of the missionary position, try limping around and groaning obnoxiously loud even though you’re totally fine. Switch up the leg that you’re limping on every couple of minutes to keep your significant other on their toes.
Whenever your partner is trying to focus or do something important, walk into the other room and scream, “It hurts!” at the top of your lungs. Maybe even get one of those Ace bandages and wrap your leg in that to really sell it.
To be clear, this method doesn’t work if you lie to your partner and make up a fake story about how you hurt your leg. Instead, each time that they ask you what happened, just tell them you’re fine and then proceed to be extremely dramatic about your pain five minutes later.
10. Call Emilio
If you’re having any sort of relationship troubles, the best fix-all solution is to call Emilio. Emilio will know what to do. Emilio always knows what to do. So what are you waiting for? Get your phone out right now and give Emilio a ring.
Why should you call Emilio, you ask? Because Emilio is the proven solution to any relationship problem you might be having. He’s got a 100% success rate and couples everywhere swear by him.
